Crapshoot was Richard Cobbett’s column from 2010 to 2014. It is a column about rolling dice to bring obscure games back to the limelight. Are you ready to rock this week? Are you ready to rock? Okay. I’ll be back shortly. Sorry for bothering you.
You have to admire my confidence. Rockstar is not related to the creators of Grand Theft Auto or games that have actual music. It describes itself as: “THOSE MESMERISING NE AGE HYPNOTISTS WIZARD GAMES PROUDLY. NO EXTRAVAGANTLY PRENT FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT and AMAZEMENT. BEWILDERMENT. CONFUSION. THEIR LATEST PSYCHADELIC XTRAVAGANZA ROCKSTAR!”
One out of four isn’t bad, I suppose.
The title screen continues, “Welcome into the magical world of WIZARD Games.” You have never seen anything quite like it before. We won’t waste your money with fancy packaging or glossy advertising…we won’t insult your intelligence with childish graphics challenges. We create unique games that will make you addicted. Now you are entering the realm of your imagination …… “SO BEWARE!
I doubt my imagination can surpass “be a struggling British rockstar.” The other week, I wondered if blood bank employees get to wear protective gear and enjoy the most incredible water balloon fights. The credits are still excellent Coding was done by a Sleepy Cat Summer with Lord B Dog handling special effects. What is the point of an ASCII-only effect? Surprised? The answer is “not very special,” ev,” in 1989.
I am confident that a game endorsed by gaming legends like Furry Crab and Pink, Celtic Ray, Guitar Bob, Guitar Bob, and the Schmeelie man can live up to its hype. Let’s get it going!
Rockstar is a time management game that encourages you to live the lawless life of a rock and rolling legend by carefully spending your most precious resource–life. Money is also essential. Money is the most important thing because it can buy happiness and sometimes drugs.
Names are essential for every great artist. So do you. My band was called “Boring John” because I wanted to be a bit more modern. To add the spelling to “BORING JOHN,” add some excitement, so I was concerned about underselling things. For anyone not understanding the concept, my rockstar pamphlets will provide helpful tips and explanations. Every bit counts, right? I am basically Sting.
Assets are what I start with. The game says that I have “a few hundred quid” for assets. It’s very peculiar of my musical rivals is a single from Smoker’s cough called “Knickers”, “The Giant Panda’s” “Doom and Gloom”, Royal Highness’s “Makes you Sick”, and The Axe Victims’s “Cautious”. These songs are all plausible.
When I’m writing songs, my best friend proposes to me cocaine. It would be rude to decline the offer in the context of the game. This kind of offer should not be accepted in real life. Tell him to get rid of that cheap shit and go find something worthwhile. Sinex. It’s always worth having this information on hand in case your pipes become clogged. So everyone can stock up before they close, I’ll add it to my pamphlets.